Homebiscuit Gone Bonkers...

...as seen under a 1960's feather cap






I'm Back! I tried to come up with an eloquent and/or groovy opening statement but here I am and that is a start at least. It has been quite a summer and I am happy to report that I am healthy, happy and full of too many ideas for my own good. I would like to share a moment, in all honesty, to explain why I haven't been writing. I could say that it was all of the computer trouble I have had, although that really only accounts for difficulties in the past two months, but really it was all about letting those old feelings of self-doubt and self-pity (I have the best pitiful-look ever!) rise to the surface and burst right through my heart and skin like a bad case of cardiac-a-lific psoriasis. I needed to pick myself up, dust off the mites and move forward. I needed to be okay with myself and the things that excite and inspire me. I needed to get over my boo-hoo'in and say YES! And that is just what I am doing.

Here's the story:

At the beginning of June I finally decided to actually look around at some of the innumerable blogs floating around out there and see what people are doing, what they are writing about and found that there are many good ones indeed, some quite crappola and everything in between. Did you know that if you have a secret fetish for laying naked atop beds of cooked rice (how wasteful!!!) that there is something out there for you? It is truly amazing! Well, I stopped dead in my tracks when I glanced around in a blog called "Use Real Butter". The layout of the blog is terrific, the writer, Jen, is a photographer, has degrees in both geology and engineering, telemark skied during chemotherapy back in '08 and is a darned fine foodie and cook. Jen has pizazz and great taste. She is a self-proclaimed "proficient noodler". A proficient noodler! I was stunned.
I thought, wow, who is going to want to hear about scrambled tofu and clouds fucking after that? It kind of rattled me to be honest and I was feeling a little down about not knowing much about computers and blog-design and unable to do many of the things I want to do in my presentation. A slight tremble of the lower lip. To my own credit, I did not have a jealous T-bone floating in my freezer for Jen or her butter, but truthfully, I started to think that perhaps I "sucked" a bit. I know, I know! We aren't supposed to say things like that about ourselves, but dammit, that was how I felt!

Now this alone wouldn't probably have cast a dark shadow on my parade of words, but the next night I discovered that my husband, KH, the love of my life and whose opinion matters most to me, doesn't read my blog. It isn't a matter of not having the time. It was not because his eyes blew up in an unfortunate factory fire. He doesn't read my writing because, I felt, he simply doesn't care, doesn't find it interesting and prefers to spend any spare moments he has to surf the Internet looking at sailboats or new ways to make hash that won't grease the lungs. I also realized that despite asking relatives (several times) up at the Big House, where we all share food and life together, to click "follow" on my page, that they just wouldn't for whatever reasons.

I was crushed.

I didn't intentionally stop writing because I got a "bad review". I just drifted into a realm where I was so busy, trying to be a great mom, to do my part to keep things going here on the ranch, and going to the cabin any chance I got. Cars broke down and I was often trapped at the ranch, money was hard to get ahold of and I couldn't go online by that point and I basically just tried to keep myself sane. I was gaining weight. I could recognize that I was in a funk and needed to grab hold of my own jiggling arse-bustas and get a grip! No matter what was happening in my sloth-y state, there was always that rebellious voice, vibrant and shrill as the call of a red velvet ant that burned in my heart and said to just do what you need to do and not worry about all of the rest. Furry and red, I discovered I still have my stinger.

As for KH, my close friend Sheryl gave me a good piece of wisdom that I never thought of and made me feel a whole lot better. She pointed out that KH spends nearly all of his time working for our family, being a great husband and father and trying to keep his own passions alive. He doesn't read my blog because he doesn't care. He doesn't read it because those stolen moments of looking online, or just watching some television is his time. His time to not think about all of those constant family-things and just have a little fun.

Truth be told, I am getting my proverbial shit together and feeling great about it. Anyone who has been in a funk knows the only real solution is a jolt to the system or the rut will just go on and on and on... I've been dieting successfully, exercising, looking for more time to write, which will become easier after all of the busy stuff of the next two months. I want to go rollerskating and paint my toenails. I want to go on a big adventure with Captain, and luckily we are getting on the airplane tomorrow, heading out on a 4 week tour of upstate New York, filled with wonderful family and fish. I feel like something amazing is going to happen and I hope you will follow along with me, all the while something amazing is happening to you.
Thanks for listening and I'll be back next week.
Until then, let the butterflies follow you and keep your bosoms out of the iced tea!
Karen HB